Big Time Love Triangle
by hana-to-mame
Summary: One of the boys comes out to the rest of the band in hopes of gaining support.  This leads to some drama between all the members.  Can BTR survive?  Slash.  Multiple pairings.
1. Big Time Secrets

**Big Time Love Triangle**** (A Big Time Rush fanfic)**

**Rating: M**

**Warnings: Slash**

**Summary: One of the boys comes out to the rest of the band in hopes of gaining support. This leads to some drama between all the members. Can BTR survive? Slash. Multiple pairings.**

* * *

**Chapter One: Big Time Secrets (Posted 1 February 2011)  
**

"And that's why I have to tell you I'm gay." Logan said as he stood awkwardly in front of his friends. "I know that one day I won't be able to hide it anymore and I don't want any of you finding out by accident and feeling like I lied to you. And if you want me to leave... I will, because I understand if you..."

"Logan," Kendall stood, motioning for the other two boys to back him up, "we don't want you to leave."

"Yeah," Carlos stepped in, "you're our friend and we wouldn't be Big Time Rush without you. You cant bail on us just because you're different."

"We'd never do that to you, man." James said, patting him on the back. "We don't think any different of you, and we respect you for being brave enough to confront us about it."

"Really?" Logan asked, bewildered. "I expected..."

"You expected us to be jerks about it?" James asked jokingly.

"Dude, being gay isn't a bad thing." Kendall said.

"Yeah. It's actually kinda cool." Carlos said with wide eyes.

"Wow." Logan was so relieved. "I'm so glad. I really didn't want it to end here."

X

It was the middle of the night and Logan was still awake. He couldn't sleep. He kept remembering how nervous he'd been. In the end, he'd had no reason to even be nervous, but he was just so scared that his friends were going to leave him behind. Well, except Kendall. He knew Kendall would back him up.

A small smile crept across his face as he thought of Kendall.

He suddenly realized he had to pee so he stood and went to the bathroom.

Little did he know, someone else was also awake, unable to stop the thoughts swimming around in his head. Kendall heard someone get up and he immediately knew it would be Logan, so he followed him to the bathroom.

"So," Logan said, hearing light footsteps behind him, "what happened to all that stuff about _I'll be right there with you, Logan_ and _I'll help you tell them, Logan_ and _I'll tell them we're together, Logan_? Huh? Why didn't any of that happen, Kendall? Why was I the only one saying anything?"

"I'm sorry..." Kendall said in a hushed voice. He grabbed Logan from behind and pulled the reluctant boy closer to him. "I just thought that... maybe telling them right away would do more harm than help. And I figured, if James and Carlos saw someone stand up for you right away, they wouldn't waste any time debating on what to say to you."

"But that doesn't change the fact that you broke your promise to me!" Logan said, turning around to face Kendall. "You gave me your word that you would stand by my side and tell them about us but instead you made me face them alone and tell them I'm gay! You didn't even... give me any kind of warning or... anything..."

"I'm sorry... I just... I got confused when I started thinking and then..." Kendall looked into Logan's eyes, the eyes that won him over in the first place. With their sad, frightened gleam that just made him want to protect him from everything bad. "Please forgive me. I promise I'll tell them tomorrow."

"You already promised to tell them today." Logan said sadly. He wanted to believe Kendall, but could anyone believe a promise that was only made to fix one that was broken?

"I know and I'm so stupid... just please... I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Look, Kendall... I... I don't want it to be over between us, ok?" Logan said quietly, forgiveness shining in his eyes even though the rest of his face looked conflicted. "But if you keep doing this to me..."

"Logan, I swear, just give me one more chance. If I blow it, I'll never ask for another chance again and... Just please let me try and make it up to you." Kendall kissed Logan's cheek sweetly. Logan's harsh face didn't soften as he silently eyed Kendall. "And you hate me." Kendal released him and stepped back, putting his hands in the air in surrender. "I get it. I'll still tell them if you want, but..."

"I'm not gonna break up with you." Logan said hesitantly as he grabbed Kendall's hands. "Not right now, anyway. But Kendall, if you're serious about this... you have got to stop letting me down like this. You need to step up and be a good boyfriend or I'm done. I mean it."

"Got it. Whatever you want, I'll make it up to you." Kendall said happily.

"I don't _want_ anything except a boyfriend who actually acts like he cares about me."

"I do care about you." Kendall replied seriously. "You can't tell me that all the times I've kissed you or... held you... all the nights we spent together... you can't have thought I didn't care about it."

Logan's face became sad again. "Well... at those times, yes, it's easy to tell you like me and really _care_ about me but... This whole time, you've never once said you love me. I've brought it up a couple times that... that I _love_ you, Kendall, but you've never said it back to me."

"What?"

"Do you love me?" Logan asked the question in an annoyed voice.

Kendall stared at him, his mind moving a mile a minute. "Love?" he said, causing Logan to sigh angrily. "Logan... we're just teenagers! Love is... an adult thing."

"Kendall," Logan said with a face that meant business, "we've done _plenty_ of other things that are _adult things_. What makes this one different?"

Logan watched as Kendall's eyes went from frustrated to sad to understanding.

"You're right." Kendall said, pulling Logan forward for a quick kiss. "It isn't any different. I'm sorry for not realizing that earlier. I do love you."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"So, tomorrow you'll tell them?"

"Absolutely."

Logan smiled and let himself fall into Kendall's tight embrace. They kissed again, their lips meeting in a passionate and forgiving/apologetic connection. Smiling at each other, it was understood that the argument was over and all was forgiven. But Kendall knew he still had to make things right with Logan. And Logan knew he had to be ready to let Kendall go if his selfishness gets in the way of their relationship again.


	2. Big Time Conversations

**Chapter Two: Big Time Conversations (Posted 2 February 2011)**

It was morning and Carlos was the first to wake. He knew the other three boys were still sleeping.

He'd thought a lot about what Logan had told all of them last night. He never thought any of his friends would be gay. But he'd been dealing with discovering the same thing about himself. And worst of all, he still wasn't sure. But he thought maybe if he talked to Logan about it, he would be able to help him.

So he decided to wake Logan up before the rest of them and talk to him privately.

He crept up to where Logan was snoring and shook him. "Logan? Logan, wake up."

"Carlos? What time is it?"

"It's early." Carlos said, glad he was able to wake his friend. "I need to talk to you. Alone."

"Why, is something wrong?"

"Kind of... not really... maybe... just... I need someone to talk to. Please?"

"Ok." Logan got up and followed Carlos, who led him to the hallway. It wasn't completely private, but no one would overhear at this hour.

"Logan... I just have to tell you... you're really brave for coming out to us like that. And I love having you as a friend."

"Well... thanks, Carlos. That means a lot to me."

Carlos smiled. "Good. Now... the reason I need to talk to you is... I think I... I think I might be gay too. And I was wondering if you could... help me through it..."

"Uh..." Logan's eyes were wide with shock. He'd always thought he was the only one in their group who was gay. That is, until the night Kendall kissed him for the first time. So it was weird to find out that the only straight one was James. Logan almost laughed at the irony. But in any case, he knew what it felt like to feel alone. "Ok. I'm not sure what I can do... other than talk you through it."

"I'll do anything. I'm just so... confused."

"Well... is there... a guy? Someone who confuses you?"

"There sure is... that's what makes it even _more_ confusing." Carlos said, frustrated.

"Well... why does he confuse you?"

"Because... ever since I realized I might be attracted to him... I just can't be attracted to anyone else. Not a girl. Not a boy. Just him. Did that happen to you?"

"Not exactly. I just started noticing guys in general. I think you may just have yourself a crush on this guy."

"But... doesn't that make me gay?"

"Do you... fantasize about him?" Logan felt a little uncomfortable asking this, but he wanted to help his friend. After all, he didn't have anyone to help him through it. It had just happened. And he'd kept it bottled inside until Kendall kissed him one night, and admitted he liked Logan. Then he had someone to vent to, but Carlos didn't have anyone. And he came to Logan for help. So he wanted to help him as best he could.

"Yeah. A lot."

"Anyone else?"

"No. I try to, I try to picture someone else. Someone I _should_ like, but they always turn into him."

"I don't know if you're gay, Carlos." Logan believed he really had it figured out. "I think this person is just that special to you that... it doesn't matter what gender he is."

"Wow." Carlos said, but the look on his face suggested he didn't quite understand. "So.. should I... try to ask him out or... something? I mean... I don't know if he swings that way but... I can't stop thinking about him."

"That's up to you." Logan said, almost apologizing he couldn't offer more advice. "I'm sure, though, that this guy will be civil about it, even if he doesn't return your feelings. I mean, if you fell for him, he has to be a really sweet guy."

"He is."

"Do you mind if I ask who?"

Carlos hesitated. "I don't know... I guess it doesn't matter, since you'll find out anyway if he likes me or decides to at least give me a chance."

"Do I know him?"

"Yeah." Carlos said, feeling his heart pound in his chest, practically pushing the cold sweat through his pores as he prepared to finally admit who he had a crush on. "It's Kendall."


	3. Big Time Awkwardness

**Chapter Three: Big Time Awkwardness (Posted 3 February 2011)**

"Kendall...?" Logan asked, horrified.

"Yeah." Carlos looked defeated. "I don't have a chance, do I?"

"Carlos... I don't know what to tell you..." Logan wanted to scream. Or laugh. Or cry. Or all three. This could not be happening!

His best friend had a crush on his boyfriend! And Carlos wanted his advice on whether he should pursue Kendall. How was he supposed to answer?

If he told him he had a chance, he'd be sort of lying. Kendall was already taken. Sure, Kendall was gay, so technically Carlos did have a small chance with him but... he didn't want to encourage someone else to go after _his_ man!

But... he didn't want to _dis_courage Carlos either. Carlos was an adorable guy. Sweet, funny, and cute. Anyone, girl or boy, would be lucky to have him. But he looked up to his friends. And he was in his most vulnerable state right now, asking for Logan's advice with a problem like this. If he told him he shouldn't go after Kendall, it would totally break his spirit. He couldn't have that.

So what should he do? Lie to Carlos so he doesn't hit on his boyfriend? Or tell him to go for it even though Kendall is already taken.

"Of course you do, Carlos." Logan said, knowing Carlos would turn that statement into the confidence he needed. "I mean... Kendall is... our friend. I'm sure that even if he isn't gay... he's not going to think any less of you. In fact, he'll probably respect you more for being honest with him about this."

"You really think so?"

"I do." Logan was being as honest as was possible. He knew Kendall wouldn't be mean to Carlos. He knew he'd be gentle, and Carlos would be strong enough to move on and find someone of his own to love.

"Thanks." Carlos said, his child-like smile returned, really taking everything Logan said to heart. "So... you don't think it's weird that I like him."

"No. It's definitely _not_ weird. A little unexpected, but not weird at all."

"Awesome!" Carlos darted back into the apartment.

But Logan stayed in the hall for a few minutes. He knew he'd done the right thing. And he knew his relationship with Kendall, though rocky right now, was solid enough to withstand any flirting Kendall would be faced with. _And_ he knew that Carlos could handle the rejection with the support of his friends. But he still felt that he was in over his head.

Heading back inside, he could see everyone was up now.

Carlos was putting his helmet on as he jumped down the swirly slide.

Katie was watching television.

Mrs. Knight was looking for something.

James was glaring at his bowl of cereal, poking it with a spoon but not eating it.

And Kendall saw Logan come in, and turned to smile at him. This was it.

"Ok," Kendall said, catching everyone's attention, "now that we're all here, I..."

"Kendall!" Logan interrupted him, causing everyone's attention to shift to him. "I just wanted to tell you that... that... there's been a slight change of plans."

"Huh?" Kendall asked, obviously confused.

Logan had to think of something fast. "Um... well... oh yeah! I know you wanted to surprise everyone with presents, but... they all fell into the pool. Let's go get new ones!" Logan pulled Kendall out of the apartment.

"Logan... um... what are you talking about?"

"Kendall, I'll explain everything. But we need to find a place to talk. Alone."

"Unisex bathroom, second floor." Kendall said quickly, remembering all the things he and Logan get up to in that bathroom.

"Good idea!" Logan grabbed him again and led him there, sneakily pulling him inside with no one noticing and locked the door behind them.

"So... what do we need to talk about?" Kendall asked.

"Um... it's about you... telling the guys about us..."

"Logan, I swear, I was just about to!" Kendall said happily. "You're completely right, we shouldn't hide this from our friends. Plus, if it'll make you happy, it'll make me happy, too."

"Oh, Kendall..." Logan said, troubled. "We... we can't tell them!"

"What? Why not? I thought you wanted me to tell them?"

"Well... I've sort of changed my mind..." Logan said, cringing.

"But... but... we had a fight and... I just want to make it up to you Logan." Kendall said, feeling like he was the worst boyfriend in the world. "Did I mess up again?"

"No!" Logan jumped, finally sensing just how much Kendall cared about him. "No, you didn't mess up. I saw you were about yo tell them... and I can't tell you how happy that makes me, really, but..."

"But?"

"We just can't tell them."

Kendall hesitated. He didn't know if this was some kind of test or what. But all he kept thinking about was how bad of a boyfriend he was and he wanted to give Logan whatever he wanted. "Ok."

"Ok?" Logan asked, shocked. He knew Kendall would accept it, but he honestly expected him to put up more of a fight.

"Yeah. It's ok. Logan, all I want to do is make you happy. Whether that means telling them or not telling them. All you gotta do is ask, and I'll do it. Because I really do love you."

"You do?"

"Absolutely."

"For real?" Logan asked, overjoyed yet cautious. "I... wow. I honestly thought you only said that last night because you didn't want to argue anymore."

"I did." Kendall admitted, feeling more and more like an ass hole every second. "But when I said it... I meant it. I feel it, for real. I was afraid to say it because... it's scary to be in love. Especially like this. But it's true and when I saw how much you needed me to say it I just... forgot about my fears and... knew I had to say it."

"I love you too, Kendall." Logan said, hugging him.

"So... just to be clear... we're _not_ telling James and Carlos?"

"Right."

"Can I ask why?"

"If I tell you... you have to promise not to say anything."

"I promise." Kendall said, meaning it.

"I was talking to Carlos this morning and..." Logan looked into Kendall's eyes, searching for the courage he needed to say this.

"And?"

"He... he likes you."

"Likes me?"

"Yeah." Logan said sadly. "He asked me to help him because he thought he might be gay, and when I asked him about who he liked, he told me it was you!"

"What did you say?"

"I told him to go for it."

"What!"

"Look, he doesn't know we're together. If you just tell him he'll always be your best friend but you're not interested in dating anyone right now, he'll be fine. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him to stay away from you."

"You're a very noble young man."

"_Promise_ you won't say anything!" Logan pleaded.

"I promise. I'll let him down easy."


	4. Big Time Bathroom Sex

**Chapter Four: Big Time Bathroom Sex (Posted 4 February 2011)**

"I'm sorry to keep tossing you around like this." Logan said in reference to him changing his mind about telling everyone about their relationship.

"Don't worry about it." Kendall said with a smile. He leaned forward and claimed Logan's lips. "Hey, remember the last time we were in this bathroom?"

"Do I?" Logan asked with a smirk and Kendall's hands ran down his chest. "It was raining. And we got bored. So we came in here to have some... fun..."

"And did we have _fun_ or what?" Kendall whispered softly as he unbuttoned Logan's shirt. He didn't wait for a response, but instead he kissed Logan's chest tenderly as the shirt fell to the floor.

Logan smiled as he hurried to undo Kendall's pants. Letting them drop to the floor, and feeling his do the same, he kissed Kendall hotly.

He quickly dropped to his knees and played with the waistband of Kendall's underwear. He pulled at it and bit it, finally bringing them all the way down so it released Kendall's firm erection.

Licking it slowly, he heard Kendall moan. He could feel fingers in his hair, resting lightly on his head. He loved the way Kendall touched him. Needy, but patient.

Finally, he pulled it all the way into his mouth. He sucked on it hard before just letting his saliva coat it, remembering the original purpose of the blow job.

Figuring it was lubricated enough, he stood and let Kendall kiss him, knowing how he loved it when he could taste himself in Logan's mouth.

"Turn around." Kendall said gently, like he was asking permission.

Logan nodded and turned his back to Kendall. He bent forward and put his hands on the edge of the sink, positioning himself so Kendall could easily slip inside.

He looked in the mirror. Logan was usually a pretty sensible and normal guy, but he loved having sex with Kendall in the bathroom. _This_ bathroom. In front of the large mirror, so he could see his and Kendall's bodies moving together. It was like the ultimate porno for him.

Kendall kept his shirt on as he mounted Logan. He knew that Logan was just a bit of a freak when it came to sex; he liked to see Kendall in at least one piece of clothing. It drove him crazy. So, needless to say, Kendall always wore something.

He grabbed Logan's hips softly as he pushed into him.

Logan let out a quiet moan, knowing they were in the middle of an extremely populated hotel. He had to be quiet. But that was part of the thrill for him.

And it was oh so thrilling. Hot sex in a cold bathroom, with the potential of being discovered by anyone. But it wasn't rough or painful, Kendall always took his time and made sure he made Logan feel good. Sometimes they'd get a little too passionate and end up being a little kinky with each other, but usually it was just loving sex that both of them enjoyed.

This one one of those times. Kendal carefully pumped in and out of Logan, stroking Logan's cock in tie with his hips. He held him tightly, letting him know this wasn't casual sex. It was I-want-to-show-you-how-much-I-love-you sex.

Kendall came first, speeding up and then slowing down as he felt himself let go deep inside Logan. He gave a quiet grunt, snarling cutely. Logan saw their reflections in the mirror, loving how beautiful they looked together. Watching as Kendall experienced him.

But Kendall didn't stop. He kept going, trying to give Logan as much pleasure as possible until he too was coming and trying to hold back his screams.

Logan turned around and brought Kendall in for another fierce kiss. Kendall hugged him sweetly. Logan loved this part almost more than the sex. The cuddling, the touching. It made him feel so close to Kendall. It was the reason he could never stay mad at him.


	5. Big Time Inner Conflict

**Chapter Five: Big Time Inner Conflict (Posted 5 February 2011)**

Logan and Kendall stayed in that bathroom until neither of them was blushing anymore. Once they were calmed enough to face the rest of the world without raising suspicion, they opened the door and left carefully.

They went back in the apartment and saw Carlos happily playing pattie-cake with Katie. And James was still glaring. But at the wall this time.

"Hey Kendall!" Carlos waved sweetly from his position on the couch.

Kendall smiled reassuringly, making Carlos's face shine even brighter. How could he have not noticed that before?

Logan went off to do some studying while Kendall went into the kitchen. He saw James come up to the counter and lean on it, glaring at him the whole time.

"Can I help you?" Kendall asked, slightly amused.

"I need to talk to you." James said lowly.

"I am extremely popular today." Kendall observed out loud.

"I think it's shitty what you're doing to Logan." James said seriously. And James didn't get serious very often, so his serious face meant he meant business.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Kendall said, not exactly lying. He really had no idea what James meant.

"I know about you two." James replied flatly. "I'm surprised no one else has figured it out yet, especially if I have."

"How do you..."

"I can see the way you two look at each other. I may just be a pretty boy, but it doesn't take a genius to see that you two are together."

"James... I still don't know what you mean about what I'm _doing_ to Logan..."

"He came out to us. He was brave enough to tell his friends he's gay, and you just sat there and pretended not to know it. It was fine when you were both okay with hiding it. I wasn't going to call you out if that was the decision you both made. But he decided to share it with us. And you let him down."

"But James..."

"No." James interrupted him. "You let him tell everyone he's gay while you wanted everyone else to think _you're_ straight."

"I know. That was wrong of me, he wanted me to come out with him, but I was too afraid. But then I saw how much he hurt because of my selfishness and I was going to tell you and Carlos about us today but... he changed his mind."

James just stared at him. "Why would he do that?"

"I... he made me promise not to tell."

"And you're actually gonna keep this one?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but yes, I plan on keeping it."

"Fine then. I'll ask him myself." James pushed himself away from the counter in search of Logan. Kendall just stood in the kitchen, wishing he knew what to do.

He loved Logan. And he wanted to do anything and everything that would make him happy. But Carlos was also one of his best friends. He didn't like hiding it from him and going behind his back like this. If he liked him, he should know that he was already involved. He understood that Logan just didn't want to hurt his feelings, but wouldn't it hurt him worse if he discovered it on his own? He knew couldn't please everyone at the same time. But he was beginning to wonder if he could ever please _anyone_.

Kendall was at a loss.


	6. Big Time Broken Promise

**Chapter Six: Big Time Broken Promise (Posted 6 February 2011)**

James found Logan sitting at the top of the swirly slide, sitting against the wall.

"Hey." Logan said, looking up at James.

"What do you see in him?" James asked bluntly. Being just a tad bit self centered, James couldn't understand why Logan would choose Kendall over _him_. It just didn't make sense. All these years, the little hints he's dropped to Logan. He thought Logan was supposed to be smart and observant, but he never once noticed how James always went out of his way to help him.

"Who?" Logan asked.

"Kendall." James said, sliding down the wall to sit next to Logan.

"How did you know?"

"You two are always making gooey eyes at each other. Sneaking off together. It's pretty obvious."

"Oh." Logan said, looking down and twiddling his thumbs. "So... you knew... before I told you I'm gay?"

"Yes."

"Does Kendall know you know?"

"I just talked to him about it. I wanted to know why he didn't come out with you."

"He was too scared." Logan said dismissively.

"But, you still want him to tell us, right?"

"Not exactly."

"What? Why?"

"Don't go around repeating this, but Carlos confided in me that he likes Kendall. A lot."

"And you _don't_ want to tell him Kendall is already taken?" James was confused.

"No. I don't want him to be discouraged."

_You mean like I was when I realized what was going on between you and Kendall_? James thought to himself. "So, you're not mad at him for betraying your trust like that?"

"I was. But he apologized."

"And that makes it ok?"

"Don't talk about him like he's a horrible person. He's your friend. And I love him. I can't give up on him just because he makes a few mistakes. Eventually, I know, he'll either have to straighten out or... or it'll be the end, but our relationship is still new. I can't abandon it without trying to make it work first."

"Ok." James said, believing Logan knew what he was doing. "I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"I can handle myself. But thanks." Logan said nicely, grateful to know he had friends who were watching out for him.

"You're welcome. And if you ever need my help... with anything, you know I'm here for you."

"Thank you."

"But what are you gonna do about Carlos? You don't really want to have to deal with him hitting on Kendall all the time, do you?"

"No. But I know nothing is going to happen between him and Kendall."

"I don't know." James pretended to be questioning. "Carlos is pretty cute."

Logan laughed. Then he put on a serious face. "You..." his eyebrows furrowed suggestively as he pointed down to where Carlos sat on the sofa.

"No! No, I..." _I only have eyes for you._

"I'm just kidding. But seriously. My relationship with Kendall is... nice. I mean, it's hard seeing Jo hit on him all the time, but as soon as I asked him to tell her directly that he wasn't interested, he did right in front of me, so I don't worry about it."

"But don't you think Carlos _should_ still know? I mean, eventually he's gonna find out. I don't want any friendships to be ruined." James said seriously, considering his friend's feelings.

"I don't know." Logan said, conflicted. "I do feel bad... but he's so..."

"Vulnerable?"

"Yeah. I mean, he's not, really. He takes everything that happens and just bounces right back. But I still hate when bad things happen to him."

"We all do. We all feel like we have to protect Carlos, that's why we make him wear the helmet. But he's actually a really tough guy."

"I'll tell him. Just not yet. He only told me this morning. I can't dash his hopes so soon."

X

Later in the day, James and Logan went down to the pool. Kendall had opted not to go with them. He didn't feel so good. All the thinking he's been doing has been giving him a terrible stomach ache and a headache like he's never imagined.

And Carlos stayed because Kendall had. He wanted to tell him how he felt, even if he wasn't quite sure of himself.

"Kendall, can you come here?" Carlos said from where he sat on the couch.

"Sure." Kendall said, knowing what was happening. Carlos was gonna make a move on him. He'd have to tell Carlos about him and Logan now.

"Kendall... I have to tell you something that... you might not like very much." Carlos said with a crack in his voice.

"I see. But there's something I have to tell you too. I'm just not sure which should come first." Kendall said sadly.

Carlos looked confused. "Please let me go first? What I have to say is... really hard and... I just want to get it over with."

"Ok." Kendall said, thinking maybe this was the best way to do it. "Go ahead."

"Well... um... I was talking to Logan this morning and..." Carlos started thinking that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Kendall would never like him. Not that way. And even though he wouldn't hate him for his sexuality or his feelings, he saw no point in telling him. "He said it's your turn to do the dishes."

Kendall was stunned. "That's all you wanted to say?"

"Yep." Carlos said happily.

"Are you sure?"

"Uh huh."

"Oh." Kendall said. Now he really didn't know what to do. "Well... I still have to tell you something."

"Ok." Carlos said, still wearing his usual smile.

"Carlos... I'm really sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but... Logan told me what you two talked about."

Carlos's face suddenly fell. "Oh, God..."

"Carlos, don't freak." Kendall said as he grabbed the boy's shoulders. "I'm not upset or anything."

"You aren't?" Carlos almost didn't believe him.

"No."

"But... you don't feel the same?"

Kendall let his face show how much pain this caused him. "I'm sorry... it's not that there's anything to not like about you it's just that... I already have someone."

"You do?" Carlos didn't think it could get much worse.

"Yeah."

"Who is it?"

"Carlos, I... I don't want you to be sad or angry or anything..." Kendall said, trying to prevent a breakdown. "And I want you to know that I'm telling you this because you're my friend and I care about you and I _hate_ lying to you."

"Just tell me who it is. Please..."

"Logan." Kendall said softly, watching Carlos's eyes go wide.

"Logan? You're _with_ Logan?" Carlos said, disgusted. "He... he told me..."

"I know what he told you. And I'm so sorry. But it's not right to let you think I'm single if you were planning on pursuing me."

"It's... ok. I'm not mad at you." Carlos said truthfully. He wasn't mad at Kendall. He was only trying to do the right thing.

"What about Logan?"

"I'm a little mad at him..." he almost wanted to cry.

Kendall didn't know what to say. The truth was, he was a little angry at Logan himself, for putting him in this position. But he felt bad for that because he knew why Logan did what he did. And he loved him, after all. But Carlos wasn't in the wrong either. He mentally cursed himself for being too stupid to figure a way to make everything ok.

He leaned forward and hugged Carlos. It was a loose hug, but he felt the other boy's body against him, warm and soft. So welcoming. He could hear the light sobs as Carlos tried unsuccessfully to hold back his tears.

"Carlos... please don't cry..." Kendall said, feeling his own tears start to flow at the sight of his friend crying in his arms.

"I'm sorry I just... here I thought I had a chance with you..." _Only to find out you like smart guys like Logan._ Carlos didn't know what to think. He didn't want to be mad at Logan, but he just couldn't help it. The jealousy he felt at Logan's relationship with Kendall and the betrayal he felt at the lie he was told... it all made him so confused.

"Kendall?" Logan's voice came from behind him.

Kendall released Carlos, realizing how their embrace must have looked, and turned around to see Logan and James standing in the doorway.


	7. Big Time Screw Up

**Chapter Seven: Big Time Screw Up (Posted 7 February 2011)**

"Logan." Kendall said guiltily. He didn't feel guilty for holding Carlos. That he could explain and Logan would understand and forgive him. What he wouldn't forgive is what he told Carlos.

"Why is Carlos crying?" James asked, concerned. "What did you do to him?"

Carlos looked up at them and stood, wiping his eyes. "So, I come to you for help," he said to Logan, "and you go and tell everyone?"

Logan looked like he was about to defend himself, but then he realized what was going on. Carlos was crying in Kendall's arms. There could only be one explanation. "You told him?" He yelled accusingly at Kendall. "Kendall... you _promised_ you wouldn't say anything!"

"Don't blame this on Kendall!" Carlos screamed, forcing the tears to start up again. "I trusted you. I thought you would be honest with me. But instead... you lie to me! Why couldn't you just _tell_ me he's your boyfriend? Then I... I wouldn't have made a fool of myself."

"Carlos..." Logan said, pleading, "How was I supposed to tell you? It was too much for me! It was like all of a sudden one of my best friends is in love with my boyfriend who nobody even knows is gay! I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to hurt you so..."

"Well it did hurt! It hurt me _and_ it hurt Kendall! He had to lie to me, his friend, and when he couldn't take it anymore he had to tell me one of the hardest things I bet he's ever had to say!" Carlos ranted. "I'm sorry I put you in that position and I'm _sorry_ I have these feelings, but... I wish you would have told me..."

All the crying and yelling along with the mixed feelings made Carlos so tired. It wore him out so fast he passed out. Kendall saw he was falling and caught him just in time, holding him close to keep him standing. And there was that sensation again. Feeling Carlos's body against his own.

"I'll take him to bed." James said, coming into the apartment and taking Carlos's sleeping body from Kendall. "You two talk."

Logan shut the door and approached Kendall. "Kendall, you promised."

"I know."

"Why do you break every single promise you make to me? I thought you loved me."

"I do." Kendall said, feeling empty. He did love Logan. With all his heart. But right now he was thinking he shouldn't. That he didn't deserve a boyfriend like Logan. Or friends like James and Carlos. He cared about them all so much. "I do, Logan, but I couldn't lie to Carlos. It was wrong!"

"That doesn't change anything." Logan said as he sat on the couch.

"I know." Kendall said, earning himself a questioning look from Logan. "You probably don't want to talk to me right now, so I'm just going to..."

"You do that." Logan interrupted with a snap in his voice. "You just leave while the rest of us deal with your mess."

_My mess. I did make a mess, didn't I_? "I'll be back. I just... need to clear my head." _I need to prepare myself. I know you're going to break up with me._ Kendall thought silently. Or thought he did, anyway.

"No, I'm not." Logan said. "I am not going to break up with you. How many times must I tell you that? No matter how many times you screw up... I love you too much to give up on you. One day, you'll get it right. I have faith in that. But this is... this is a big deal, Kendall."

"What do you want me to do?" Kendall asked. That was the question he always asked. The one he never got an answer to. Sure, Logan would tell him what he wanted, but he would never be specific. When Kendall would mess up, Logan told him he needed to fix it. But he never told him how. How was he supposed to know what to do if nobody told him?

"Go clear your head." Logan said calmly. "Come back in a little while and we'll talk. We'll fix this, Kendall."

"Ok." _I can't fix this. I try, but it only ends up making everything worse_. Kendall left the apartment to do some major thinking.


	8. Big Time Break Up

**Chapter Eight: Big Time Break Up (Posted 8 February 2011)**

After spending a couple hours walking around the Palm Woods and giving off a don't-even-think-about-talking-to-me-right-now vibe, Kendall had his mind made up.

He walked into the apartment but Didn't see Logan.

"Logan?" He called out doubtingly.

"Go away Kendall." Logan's voice echoed loudly, telling Kendall he was in the swirly slide and clearly was not ready to talk yet.

"Ok." Kendall said, stepping away. "I just wanted to tell you I really am sorry." He walked back to the door, intent on giving him space. Lot's of space.

"What?" Logan said, confused, as he climbed out of the slide. Kendall had apologized to him thousands of times. But it never stopped there. He always had more to say. So why wasn't he saying anything? "Is that it?"

"Yeah." Kendall looked confused. But he knew he had to do this. "That's all I can say, Logan. I said that if I fucked up again, I wouldn't ask you for any more chances."

Logan almost couldn't breathe. "And _this_ is the promise you decide to keep?" Logan asked, starting to cry. He knew what was coming next. He just wished he was wrong.

"I have to." Kendall looked at the floor. "All I do is hurt you, Logan. And I love you and I know you think you love me too, but you deserve so much better."

"But I don't want..."

"Yes, you do." Kendall said sadly, recalling the conversation. "You told me so. You want someone who'll be good to you. And you deserve that." He took a step back. He'd wanted to reach out and grab Logan's shoulder, but was too afraid. What right did he have to touch Logan? "I can't be that for you. We both know it. I want to make you happy, Logan. But I don't."

"But... being without you won't make me happy, either." Logan whispered, not bothering to try and tide the tears that ran down his face.

"Maybe not right now. But someday, when you're in love with the guy of your dreams, then you'll be happy."

"Is that what you want? To see me in someone else's arms?"

"If that's what's best for you."

Logan finally wiped his eyes and stared at Kendall. "How do you know that's what's best for me?"

"I don't." Kendall answered honestly. "But I'm certain that wasting your time with a guy like me isn't."

"But, Kendall, you're..."

"I'm sorry, Logan. But let's face it. I'm no good. And you're a great person. It has to end here."

"Why?"

"Don't make me said it again." Kendall begged him. This was difficult for him as well.

"Say what? The you don't really love me and..."

"Logan, I swear, every time I said I love you I meant it with all of my heart. And I know you didn't believe me then and you don't believe me now. That's why I'm ending it."

Logan fell to his knees and cried loudly. Kendall couldn't watch. He never could stand to see Logan in pain. That's why he was leaving him, literally.

He backed all the way out of their apartment. He didn't even realize he was crying until he opened his mouth to breathe and tasted the hot salty tears.

He ran from the Palm woods, not caring if anyone noticed him or not.

He ran for a long time. Finally he was so tired he had to sit down on one of the countless benches around the city.

He sat there for just a few minutes. What was he going to do now?

"Kendall!" a voice he really didn't want to hear came up behind him, quick footsteps accompanying it. "Kendall! I've been running all over trying to find you."

"Carlos, I'm really not in the mood right now." Kendall said, not turning around.

Carlos jumped over the back of the bench and sat a few inches away from Kendall. Kendall considered trying to escape, but Carlos was faster and stronger than him, he had no chance.

"Kendall, just tell me what's wrong. I heard logan crying and saying your name, so I came after you. Let me help." Carlos pleaded.

"Please just leave me alone."

"No. I know you know how I feel about you, but I'm saying this as your _friend_. If there's anything I can do to help, I'll do it." Carlos said seriously.

"Thanks." Kendall said, grateful.

"Now, will you _please_ tell me what's wrong?"

"I broke up with Logan."

"You did _what_?"

"I just... I just don't want to hurt him anymore." Kendall whispered. It was just so easy to talk to Carlos. As he and Carlos continued to talk, Kendall finally got everything off his chest.

X

Meanwhile, James was coming out of the bedroom, wondering where Carlos had gone. He almost felt his heart be ripped apart as he saw Logan on the floor, crying.

He ran over to him and pulled him into his arms. "Logan? Are you hurt?" His eyes were wide with worry.

Logan didn't say anything. He didn't look up at James. He didn't wrap his arms around him or stop crying or anything. It was like he didn't even know James was there holding him.

"Come on, Logan, talk to me." James tried again, grabbing the boy's head and forcing him to look at him. "Was it Kendall?" he asked almost angrily.

Logan nodded and squeezed his eyes shut.

James mentally growled. How dare Kendall keep hurting him this way!

"I don't know what to do, James." Logan said softly. "He... he came in and... I thought he was just going to apologize like always and we'd make up. But he just... told me it was over."

"Over? He _dumped_ you?"

"Yeah." Logan finally let his arms come around James, clinging to him tightly. "He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. But I want him back!"

"But Logan..." James said, understand why Kendall did what he did. In fact, he was almost grateful. "I think... I think this might be good. Kendall is a great friend, but maybe you two... just don't work."

"But I love him."

"I know." James said, hugging him closer. It hurt so bad to hear him say that. "I know you do. And I really think he loves you too. But maybe your love just isn't enough in this situation."

"What do you mean?" Logan asked, wiping his eyes.

"I mean even though you love each other, you can't be together because... you're not supposed to be."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Yes it does." James said, shifting his position so he was holding Logan in his lap. "You are a really smart guy. And you expect someone to pay as much attention to everything as you do. And Kendall is pretty smart, but he's more about focusing on what's really important. I think you two just can't handle each other. You're too strong for each other."

"Strong? I've been laying here crying over him."

"Everyone has their weak moments." James comforted him, rubbing his back.

"I don't know... maybe..."

"Logan... I think it's for the best. You and Kendall will be much better off as just friends."

"Maybe you're right." Logan began to think, to really think about what James said. Maybe there was just no way it could work out between him and Kendall. Maybe it was time to move on.

James watched as Logan gradually stopped crying. He was glad he could help. But he almost felt a little guilty for being selfish. He wasn't _trying_ to end Logan's relationship with Kendall. And he certainly wasn't trying to claim Logan for his own. But when he looked back on everything, it seemed like that's what he was trying to do.

"Come on," James said as he stood and pulled Logan up with him, "go wash your face and we'll go find Carlos and Kendall.

Logan nodded and started walking toward the bathroom when Carlos burst into the apartment, sweaty and panting. He looked worried.

"Carlos?" James asked.

"What is it?" Logan said, staring.

"It's Kendall." Carlos said through his panting. "I went out to find him... I was trying to help... but he... he told me what happened with Logan." Carlos tried to catch his breath, but started crying, worrying the other boys even more. "He's leaving! He's quitting the band."


	9. Big Time Love Rectangle

**Chapter Nine: Big Time Love Rectangle (Posted 9 February 2011)**

"He can't quit!" Logan surprised his friends by being the first to respond after a long silence. "He's the lead."

"Not anymore." Carlos said sadly. "He said... he's leaving because he's tired of hurting everyone. He kept saying how he's worthless anyway and how we shouldn't be upset because he'll be easy to replace..."

"He said that?" James asked. Who knew Kendall, the most strong-headed member of the group, felt that way about himself.

"He did. And it's your fault!" He pointed at Logan.

"Me?" Logan said, shocked.

"Yeah. I know Kendall made mistakes, he told me about all the times he hurt you and he felt so bad. But you know what? It isn't his fault it kept happening. It's yours."

"How can it be mine! I gave him so many chances to..."

"Exactly!" Carlos cut him off. "You just keep giving him another chance. You tell him you'll work things out. But you don't! You don't tell him how he can make things better. You don't try to help him. You just expect him to know. But he doesn't know. _You_ make him feel like he can't do anything right. It's _your fault_ he feels like a failure. And it's _your fault_ he gave up!"

"My... fault..." for the first time, Logan felt guilty for Kendall.

"Yours." Carlos confirmed for him. "He would always ask you what you wanted from him, but all you would say is you wanted him to do better. But you never told him what he had to change in order to _be_ better. And now he thinks he isn't good enough. Not just for you, but for anyone!"

"He... he said that?" Logan whispered. "I didn't... I didn't know he..."

"That's because you didn't listen." Carlos said, words slurred by his cries. "Every time he'd try to talk to you, you'd brush him off and tell him everything was going to be ok. And he believed you. So he thought he must have been doing something wrong because nothing was ok. And now he's leaving and he wouldn't tell me where he's going and I... I don't want him to leave..."

"None of us want him to leave." James finally spoke, walking away from Logan to hug Carlos. It wasn't like the hugs he'd shared with Logan. It wasn't a romantic hug secretly disguised as a friendly hug. He just wanted to comfort his friend. He knew what it was like to know your crush was in love with someone else.

"Carlos,.." Logan stepped closer. Kendall was leaving? How could he do that? What about his friends? And his mom? And his sister? "Carlos, what else did he say? Did he say anything that could tell us where he is?"

"No." Carlos shook his head. "He wouldn't tell me. He started running, and I chased him. I almost caught him but there was a car coming, and I had to go around it so I wouldn't get hit... and I lost him..."

"I'm sorry..." Logan said. What else _could_ he say?

"Carlos, it's gonna be ok." James said. "We'll find him."

"What if we don't? What if he doesn't come back? What if... what if we never see him again?" Carlos sobbed uncontrollably.

"Seriously," James said, worried for his friend, "pull yourself together..."

"Oh, you're one to talk!" Carlos snapped at him, shoving out of his grasp. "At least the one _you_ love is still here!"

"Carlos!" James screamed, shocked that he would betray his trust like that.

"What?" Logan asked, confused.

"You mean you never noticed how James _obsesses_ over you?" Carlos asked doubtfully. "He's only been in love with you since we moved here!"

"James...?" Logan whispered. No, Logan never noticed it. But, looking back, he wonders how.

"Logan... I just..." James stuttered. _The _James Diamond actually _stuttered_. "Don't listen to Carlos, he doesn't know what he's talking about..."

"Don't act all innocent, James." Carlos snarled. "You knew about Kendall and Logan before Logan even _came out_ to us! _And_ you knew about my confusion about my feelings for Kendall. But you never even thought of telling me about their relationship."

"Carlos..." James wanted to defend himself.

"No. I get that you didn't want to interfere with Logan's happiness. Believe me, I get that. All the time I spent having to stand back and be jealous of Jo without knowing why. But that doesn't mean you get to get out of this mess without taking some of the blame." Carlos was slowly becoming less angry and more sad.

"Oh, and I suppose _you're_ the innocent one?" James retorted.

"No." Carlos said sadly. "Maybe if I would have just kept my big mouth shut, none of this would have happened. If I didn't feel this way... maybe I wouldn't have ruined everything."

"Carlos," Logan said proudly, "this is no time to place all the blame on yourself. We all made mistakes, no single one of us is at fault. But you shouldn't be ashamed of your feelings. They're not wrong and... I see why you would fall for Kendall. He's handsome and sweet..."

"You don't get it." Carlos said, finally letting his body fall to the ground. He lay on his back, tears streaming down the sides of his head. Through his short, thick hair. Over and into his ears. "There's so much more to it than that. He's always watching out for us. He gave up everything back home so James could live out his dreams here. He's always worrying about me, always watching over me and making sure I'm safe. He was willing to sacrifice all of himself to become whatever you wanted him to be, Logan. He's always been so strong for his mom. He takes care of Katie. He loves all of us so much. How could I not fall in love with that?"

Logan couldn't believe what he was hearing. All those things Carlos said about Kendall. The things he admired and loved about him. Logan had never once considered them the reasons he loved Kendall. He couldn't believe he'd never picked up on all of that. Was his love for Kendall really so... shallow?

He tried to think of what he loved about Kendall. He was sweet and caring. Very attractive. But it didn't get any more specific than that. It was true. He didn't really love Kendall at all. Not as deeply as he thought he did. But it was obvious that Carlos loved him. A love that ran so deep within him, it pulsed through his veins, keeping him alive.

"Carlos..." Logan said, stooping down to look his friend in the eyes. "I think I might know a way to bring Kendall back."


	10. Big Time Plan

**Chapter Ten: Big Time Plan (Posted 10 February 2011)**

Kendall was sitting on a bus, not quite sure where he was going, when his cell phone started to vibrate in his pocket. "Why did I even bring this along?" he whispered to himself.

He looked at the screen to see who was calling. Logan.

He let it ring.

Twice more Logan called, but Kendall would not answer. He might talk to him eventually, once he figures out exactly what he's gonna do, but he can' face him yet. Who knows what's going on inside his head.

Then the phone vibrated again, a single pulse, telling Kendall he had a text message. From Carlos.

"Please don't leave us."

He read it. Over and over, as if he couldn't quite remember what it said once he wasn't looking at it anymore. He didn't respond. But more kept coming.

"I need you."

"We all need you."

Then some came from James.

"We can't succeed without you."

"You're just gonna abandon us?"

"What about your mom and Katie?"

And finally, one, _one_, from Logan.

"We love you."

Kendall sighed. Silently thinking, _Does that matter at all?_ Did it? Did it matter that they wanted him? Surely they would be better off if he left. But which was really better? They wanted him to stay, but staying would make everything worse. Both leaving and staying would cause pain for them. And himself. So which was the right thing to do?

The cell phone rang again, earning Kendall some nasty glares from the other people on the bus who were too busy having their own noisy conversations to be interrupted by the barely audible vibrations of some hipster dude's cell phone.

Logan again. He let it go to voicemail.

No more calls or texts came for a few minutes. He thought maybe they got the hint. But then the stupid piece of plastic rang again. He held it, not wanting to even look at the screen to see who it was. But he had to know.

Carlos.

He contemplated answering it. But he couldn't. What would he say to him? He'd always watched out for Carlos, and now he was leaving because he wasn't strong enough to stay.

He was about to turn the phone off once and for all when the damned thing vibrated yet again. Didn't they understand that he didn't want to be bothered? He was ready to hold the power button when he saw who was calling this time.

James.

It only took him a second to decide to answer it. If it had been Logan or Carlos again, he probably would have chucked it out the window and watch as it was smashed into a million little pieces by the cars racing past. But James he could handle. So he answered.

"Hello?" Kendall said with a shaky voice.

"Finally." James said, trying to sound amused. "We thought you ditched your phone."

"I was just about to." Kendall said.

"Well, I'm glad you didn't. We all are."

"Why?"

"Because we need you, Kendall. We wouldn't be here without you. We can't _do_ this without you, man."

"Why not?"

"Because you're our friend."

"I'm not a very good one." Kendall didn't mean to say that out loud, and mentally scolded himself for letting it slip.

A new voice answered him. "Yes, you are." It was Carlos.

"You could have told me I'm on speaker phone." Kendall said, not angry but more upset at himself for not thinking of the possibility.

A third voice spoke. "Kendall... I'm sorry."

"Logan, there isn't anything you need to apologize for. I'm the one who..." Kendall was cut off as Logan started talking a little louder.

"No, Kendall... I didn't realize what I was doing to you. I just thought that... that you didn't want to work things out. But I was the reason nothing got better. I know you were trying, but I never even bothered to help you. And I'm sorry."

Kendall didn't know what to say to that. Logan was sorry? He hadn't done anything wrong. At least... he never thought so.

"Kendall, please." James said. "Don't leave us. We all need you. And your mother and sister are here, they need you too. Get off the bus at the next stop, then call me and tell me where you are, and I'll come get you. Just me, and _we'll_ talk. You can say anything you want to me, no matter what. Ok?"

Kendall hesitated. He was so confused. Leaving wouldn't clean up the mess he made, but it would ensure he wouldn't make any more. But he couldn't just desert his mom and baby sister. He hadn't even thought of them. He was trying to be selfless, but of course a tiny bit selfishness had come through. And now it was coming through again. He really didn't want to leave.

"Ok." He said, hearing three relieved sighs from the boys who must have been holding their breath on the other end of the line.

"Good." James said, proud of himself. "Remember, call me as soon as you get off. And I'll come for you."

"Ok." Kendall said again, hanging up.

James hung up his phone and looked at Logan and Carlos. Logan kind of looked shell shocked. Probably left over from what he'd just discovered about himself. But Carlos looked relieved. He'd been so afraid of losing Kendall. He was fine not having him as more than a friend. But losing one of his friends would break him.

"James," Logan said, "are you really going to go get him by yourself.

"Nope." James said, his voice sounding like he was getting ready to give a pep-talk. Then he looked at Carlos. "Carlos is."


	11. Big Time Favor

**Chapter Eleven: Big Time Favor (Posted 10 February 2011)**

"Me?" Carlos said, frightened. "I can't go! He'll never come with me!"

"You have to." James told his friend. "All those things you said about him earlier... you need to say them _to him_. If he hears them, he'll come home."

"Why can't _you_ tell him?" Carlos asked, thinking somewhat logically. "You're his best friend too."

"James is right." Logan said, putting his feelings aside. "He needs to hear it from you, Carlos."

"But why? I don't understand why it has to be me..." Carlos looked like a child getting beat up by a gang of bullies. So sad and scared. Lost.

"Carlos..." James said, knowing Logan wouldn't be able to tell him. "You love him. I mean, I love him as my friend and... but you're so in love with him. If you just show him how much _you_ need him... maybe..."

"He'll see how much we all need him." Logan finished James's sentence.

"But I can't..."

"Do you want him back or not?" James asked. "He was willing to talk to me on the phone, and I know he'd come back with me because we're just friends and there isn't any... weirdness between us. But... he knows how you feel about him."

"And," Logan said, realizing James's plan was pretty much flawless, "If you say the right things, he'll know it's for real. And... maybe _you_ can... help him. In the ways that I couldn't. Maybe you can become something that I couldn't be for him."

"Maybe I already am that something." Carlos said, harsher than he'd intended.

"Maybe." Logan conceded.

"Alright, then it's set. As soon as Kendall calls and tells me where he is, you'll go get him."

"I guess I have no choice." Carlos said, realizing that if he wanted Kendall to come back, he'd have to bring him back himself.

James phone rang. "It's Kendall."

X

Kendall sat on one of the generic benches in the bus terminal, waiting for James to come get him. He'd said it would take him about half an hour to get there. So he waited. 30 minutes. 45 minutes. Finally an hour went by and he considered just getting back on the bus and actually going somewhere. Maybe that was his destiny.

But for some reason, Kendall didn't get off that bench. He stayed there for another ten minutes. People shuffled in and out and around. He didn't see James anywhere.

He crossed his arms and let his head fall back slightly, closing his eyes. He'd keep waiting. Something was telling him to wait.

And then he heard someone approaching him. Finally James was there. But Kendall didn't feel like moving. He kept his head back and his eyes closed, hoping he would think he was asleep. Or dead. Whichever got him out of talking for a longer period of time.

He heard James sit next to him. Why wasn't he saying anything? Maybe he didn't want to talk either. Thank heaven for small mercies.

"Sorry it took me so long." a nervous, shaky voice finally graced Kendall's ears. "Traffic was the worst."

_That wasn't James._ Kendall thought, horrified. "I should have known."

"Kendall, I'm sorry, they made me... they said if I wanted you to come back... I had to be the one to get you."

"Carlos..."

"No, listen to me, Kendall. I love you. I mean, I _really_ love you. But I understand that things are still confusing for you. I know you're having a hard time dealing with everything. And I get it if even after you're able to move on, you still don't want me. But I'm still your friend. How I feel about you doesn't change that. And it never will. I swear." Carlos looked at him, waiting for any sign that he was listening.

"You really love me?"

"Yeah. I just... you're so... every thought I have leads me back to you. I can connect you to every single thing I see or hear or... feel. And... I... I seriously think I would die if you left."

Kendall finally opened his eyes, locking them on Carlos's. "You mean it?"

"I wouldn't lie to you. About anything. And... if... sometime in the future you would decide that... you know... you'd like to be with me... I want you to know that I'll always be completely honest with you. I won't ask you to change, because I love _you_. And I'll always take the time to sit down and talk to you or listen to you about... whatever you want to talk about. I'll help you and we'll work things out together."

"That doesn't sound much different than what we do now." Kendall said, letting all of that sink in. His friendship with Carlos already included all of those things.

"That's because you're my best friend. And I'm totally happy about that." Carlos said. And meant it. "So... are you gonna come home? We need you."

"I don't think I can leave." Kendall said. "I need you too." He said, not specifying whether he meant everyone or just Carlos.

X

Meanwhile, James and Logan sat in the living room, waiting for Carlos to return with Kendall.

"James... about what Carlos said..."

"Please don't hate me, Logan." James defended himself, sounding more vulnerable than he'd ever let himself be before. "I never planned on you finding out."

"What? Why not?"

"Because... by the time I realized how... how I felt," James semi-whispered, "I realized what was going on between you and Kendall. And you were both so happy together... I couldn't ruin that for my own sake. You're my friends. I was happy for you."

"You were?" Logan asked, wondering how James, the most instant gratification-driven individual he'd ever met, was able to keep such a secret hidden so well.

"Absolutely. That is, until I found out he was making you so unhappy."

"That's partly my own fault though. I didn't know I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I was too busy... not listening... to listen to him. If that makes sense."

"I get it. I guess you're both innocently guilty."

"That's very insightful." Logan commented, hating how his nerd mode always kicked in at the most inopportune times.

"I try."

"James... will you do me a favor?"

"Sure." James said, thinking it would be a simple request like get him a glass of juice or something.

"Will you tell me why you love me?"

"Logan..."

"I understand if you don't want to tell me." Logan defended himself. "I'm not going to force you or anything. But... I think it would make me feel better."

"Well, you're smart." James said, curling his lips into a contemplative smile. "I know, you wouldn't think I'd be into smart people, and I'm usually not. But you're not stuck up. You show off your smartness, but you do it in a way that doesn't make people think you think you're better than them. You're so down to earth, always offering advice when people need it. Getting us out of trouble. And teaching me stuff. I used to get annoyed by you're constant yammering about useless facts. But one day, I found myself thinking it was cute. And then I started paying more attention to it, actually memorizing some of the things you said. And now... since I'm being completely honest, your geek fits really turn me on." James blushed as he said that, not really realizing what he'd said.

"Geek fits?" Logan said, smiling disbelievingly.

"Yeah, when you go all technobabble on us and start speaking like a whole other language. I don't think you actually realize you're doing it. But sometimes I wish you wouldn't because it is very difficult to watch you without kissing you right then and there in front of anyone who's around." James blushed even redder, but decided it was better if he got this all out there now. With all the recent dishonesty within their whole friendship, he didn't want to risk anything.

"I kind of wished you would have."

"What?"

"Well, maybe if you would have jumped me, none of this mess would have happened."

"Would you really want that?"

"...No. I guess not." Logan said, admitting he wouldn't rather erase all the time he spent loving Kendall, even if he didn't know it wasn't true love at the time.

"You know... I could help you get over him. If you want." James looked at him fiercely,

"How?"

James just arched his eyebrows seductively. He thought about just leaning forward and finally giving Logan the kiss he's been waiting so long to give him, but didn't want to so something that would upset him. He valued their friendship too much to compromise it.

Logan waited for a further response, but when none came, his eyes widened slightly at James's suggestion.

"James..."

"You know what, never mind, forget I even said it." James looked away, somewhat disappointed.

"No..." Logan said, scooting forward, turning James's head back around to face him. "I... I want you to help." He silently begged him with his big eyes, still raw from crying over Kendall just hours ago.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Please." Logan pushed himself forward, making James's dream come true by placing his lips softly over his.

James wasn't sure if this was actually the best thing to do. "Wait," he said, using all of his willpower to pull away from Logan, "what about Kendall? Are you... completely over?"

"Yeah. Even if he would want to get back together... I could never take him back knowing how I treated him. He'd be much better off with someone else. We both would."

"Ok." That was all he needed to hear. He wanted Logan so bad. But he didn't want to steal him from Kendall. But if they were over and Logan wanted this then he saw no reason not to go for it. He let their lips come together again with more force this time. He pushed Logan down onto his back on the sofa, holding his arms down.

"Wait..." Logan said this time, pushing James off just a little bit.

James pulled away immediately, not wanting to hurt Logan. "Logan, if you want to stop..."

"No... I just... I feel bad. I feel like I'm... just... using you..."

"You're not." James comforted him by caressing his cheek and kissing him quickly. "I've wanted this for so long, Logan. And you know what? I wouldn't care if you _were_ using me. You can use me whenever you want, for any reason at all."

"You..."

"I love you, Logan. That's all I can say. I love you and I can't explain how much. There aren't words for it. I want you to know that. I _need_ you to know that. But I don't mind if you don't feel the same. I understand. I'll take whatever I can get. And if that means taking your mind off of Kendall... I'll do it. Please, use me."

"James, I..."

"And if you want me to stop... at any point... no matter what... just say so, and I promise I'll stop right away." James whispered into Logan's ear, afraid to face him. Afraid to face the rejection that was awaiting him.

"Thanks. You're a really great friend, James."

"I try." James said, looking down at Logan's beautiful face. He finally had him. Even if it was just one time, he would finally get to show him just how much he loved him. But he still waited. For any kind of sign that Logan didn't really want this. He didn't want Logan to regret it later. He didn't think he could live with himself knowing he'd let it happen when Logan obviously wasn't ready for it.

Logan smiled appreciatively and pulled James back down to kiss him again. He weaved his fingers in James's hair.

"You're the only person allowed to do that, you know." James said as he kissed down Logan's neck.

"Do what?"

"Touch my hair."

Logan chuckled, secretly admitting he liked that. No one could touch James's hair. It was all his.

James sat up to unbutton his shirt. He was mildly surprised when Logan's hands found their way up his torso and began helping him. Once it was off, he lifted Logan's shirt off of him and gazed down at his chest. So lean and pale, with a light, pink scar running a few inches down his left side from a hockey accident. He ran his hands over Logan's exposed chest and stomach, letting the feel of his skin soak through his fingers. He saw Logan throw his head back a little.

So he bent down and kissed his chin. Then his neck. Then all down the center of his upper body. Until he came to his jeans. He hesitated, waiting for Logan to confirm that he wasn't crossing any boundaries.

"It's ok, James." Logan said with a small crack in his voice.

James nodded and undid Logan's pants, pulling them off and tossing them aside, followed by his underpants. And he just had to pause to appreciate the moment. There was Logan, the love of his life, naked and willing. There was no sweeter scene. He quickly stood and shimmied out of his own pants, not wanting to make Logan uncomfortable for being the only one naked. He sat back down on the couch and watched as Logan sat up.

Logan put a hand on James's abs, fingers fitting perfectly into the contours, as he kissed him again. He started to bend down, but James brought him back up. "No," he said, "this is about _you_."

Logan mini panicked. It was never solely about him before. It had always been about _them_, him and Kendall. Together.

"But what about you?" Logan asked softly.

"Me?" James said mockingly. "I get my pleasure out of pleasing you."

Logan stared at him.

James flashed a smile and slid off the sofa and onto the floor, moving himself to between Logan's legs. Appreciating the new angle for a second, he grabbed Logan's erection and began pumping, spitting on it to make it slick.

Logan began to pant and moan quickly, grabbing the cushions when James started sucking on him. Kendall used to do that for him a lot. Sometimes they wouldn't even get to the sex, he would just do that for Logan, asking nothing in return. But this wasn't Kendall. This was James. Someone who loved him. Not that Kendall didn't, but Logan figured it just wasn't the right kind of love. And neither was his for Kendall. But maybe, someday, it could be right for James.

At this new thought, Logan kept picturing how it would be if he were in love with James. And with each suck and slurp on his hard cock, he wished more and more he did love James. But love isn't instant. He knew this as well as anyone. But he was sure James would be willing to try to build something meaningful and lasting between them. Even if it took a lot of healing. James would be there for him.

Logan finally came, loving the way James just seemed to pull ever drop right out of him, drinking it down like he wouldn't survive without it.

James stood up to kiss Logan again, just trying to get him to see how much _he _matters. Because Kendall mattered, but so did Logan. He deserved attention too. He needed help too.

"Do you..." James started to ask shyly, "Do you need... preparation?"

"No." Logan said like it was no big deal. "I like it a little... rough... just a little bit of pain when you're first getting in. It feels nice."

"Ok." James said. "What about... lube?"

"I'll take care of that." Logan said in a low voice as he leaned down and lathered James's ever growing erection in saliva.

James was in heaven. He'd wanted this to be all about Logan, but this felt so amazing. And just knowing it was Logan who was doing this to him almost made him pass out.

"That should do it." Logan said with a glint of devilishness in his eyes, leaving James harder than before.

James reached over and pulled Logan into his lap, facing him. He held up his cock while Logan lowered himself onto him, hissing at the delicious pain ripping through him. As soon as James was all the way in, Logan let himself fall forward so he could wrap his arms around James and kiss him hard. Letting his hands wander over James's chest, he began to move his hips, feeling James's hand on his sides, guiding him.

They moved together, staring into each other's eyes the entire time.

"I'm getting close, James." Logan said, arching his body back a little.

_Already?_ James thought as he admitted aloud, "me too." He knew Logan had done this before. A lot. With Kendall. But he'd never done it before. So he thought he'd be the first to go, as he was so inexperienced. But he then decided he was especially gifted, because as soon as he reached one hand between himself and Logan to stroke Logan's cock in time with their grinding, Logan screamed and came all over him.

Seeing it drove him wild. He could smell it and feel it as it got all over him. And as he watched Logan's face contort in ecstasy, he was coming too, emptying himself into Logan.

When they were both done, Logan collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily and sweating profusely.

"Did that help?" James asked as he let his fingers trail up and down Logan's back. He was so worried Logan was going to hate him. He was sure he'd be upset. And his silence wasn't doing much to help the matter.

But he felt Logan nod against his shoulder and snuggle into him, and that was all the reassurance he needed.


	12. Big Time Reunion

**Chapter Twelve: Big Time Reunion (Posted 10 February 2011)**

Kendall and Carlos sat in the car outside the Palm Woods for a long time. In silence. They were both afraid to talk. Afraid to go inside. Afraid to face anything that might hurt them.

They hadn't spoken for most of the drive home. It was awkward, Kendall staring out the window the entire time, and Carlos finding it hard to focus on the road ahead while the person he loved was in the seat next to him.

"You're going to have to face him eventually." Carlos said softly.

"I know. I just hope they aren't too upset." Kendall said after clearing his throat.

"They're not upset." Carlos assured him. "They're really happy you decided not to leave. I'm happy about that too."

"I have the best friends in the world." Kendall said with a nervous smile.

"Yeah. Nothing can tear us apart. Not even this mess."

"Thanks for what you said back there, Carlos." Kendall said more seriously. "It's nice to know how you really feel, even if I'm not sure about my own feelings."

"No problem." Carlos looked into Kendall's big glowing eyes. He was so beautiful. But so broken. And the news he had to give him would probably break him even more. "Kendall... I have to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"It's about James."

"What about him?"

"He... ok, I have to tell you this... I'm returning the favor. Remember when you told me about you and Logan because I'm your friend and you didn't want me to find out the wrong way?"

"Yeah..." Kendall prompted with a frightened glare.

"Well, I'm doing this because you're my friend and I love you and I wanted to tell you as soon as I found out about you and Logan but I was so confused..." Carlos started crying and breathing heavily. "I feel so bad that I didn't tell you sooner and I'm afraid you're going to hate me... and James... and I just hope I'm doing the right thing..."

"Carlos, calm down." Kendall reached across the gap between the seats to pull him into a soft hug. Patting his back, he felt that spark again. The sensation of this body touching his. And he realized he'd felt it so many times before. Any time he connected to Carlos, it was there, like electricity bringing them together. It scared him, but it felt so nice. "We were just talking about how _nothing_ can tear our friendship apart. Just tell me."

"James is... James has been in love with Logan since we left Minnesota."

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I would have told you before if I knew you two were together. And then when I did find out... I wanted to tell you... but I couldn't think straight and I..."

"Carlos, shhh, shhh, it's ok. It's alright." Kendall hugged him tighter, thinking it would stop the tears. "I'm not upset. At you or at anyone."

"You're not?"

"No, of course not."

"But..."

"Carlos... it's going to take a while for me to get over my feelings for Logan. But if James loves him... I hope Logan will give him a chance. They're... kind of perfect for each other. Logan can keep James grounded. James can get Logan to let loose once in a while. They do it now, balance each other out. If they're happy together, I'm happy for them."

"Really? Just like that?" Carlos sat back and asked.

Kendall gently wiped Carlos's tears off his adorable face. "Sure. All I wanted to do was make Logan happy. If I can't do that, then I hope James can."

"And what about your own happiness?"

"I'll figure it out eventually."

"You know... I could make you happy, Kendall. You already make _me_ happy, so you don't even have to worry about that. It wouldn't be about one person, it would be about _us_."

"Carlos... I..."

"I know." Carlos said with understanding. "I know you need time. Take as much of it as you need."

"Won't you eventually get tired of waiting?"

"For you? Not a chance."

Kendall didn't know what to say. No one had ever offered anything like this to him before. And he was beginning to realize he did feel something for Carlos. Something he believed he felt even before he knew he was gay. So, for now, all he could say was "thanks."

X

A FEW WEEKS LATER:

The boys were all eating dinner along with Mrs. Knight and Katie. They'd had a long conversation after Kendall and Carlos's return, agreeing that they'd be open about everything from now on.

After dinner was over, Kendall and Logan were in the kitchen cleaning up.

"Kendall..." Logan started nervously, "We're good, right? I mean... this friendship... it's still solid like it was?"

"Of course." Kendall said. "Our relationship is over but our friendship is still strong. Breaking up is always hard, but... I don't feel bad about it. I mean... I'm sad, because I did love you but..."

Logan smiled. "Carlos?"

"He's... really something." Kendall admitted shyly.

"Good." Logan said happily. "I feel the same way. About the break-up, I mean. What we had was special... but we both want and need different things. But your still my friend."

"And you're still mine." Kendall agreed.

"Good. And... since we're all friends... I think it's only fair that I tell you... James and I..."

"Are in love?"Kendall suggested lightheartedly yet honestly.

"Well, he's in love with me and... I do love him but... it's not really _love_ yet, you know? But... I think... we might be on our way."

"That's great."

"I hope things work out with you and Carlos." Logan said a little pityingly.

"I think they will. I... I really think there's something good between us. He's... hard to handle sometimes," Kendall smiled fondly at the thought of Carlos when he's extra hyper, "but I like that. He's just so..."

"I know exactly what you mean." Logan said. "James is a handful, but it's worth it... I'm really happy for you and Carlos. I think he's perfect for you."

"I think I have to agree with you. I mean... right now we're just testing the waters... we haven't discussed anything or... we haven't even kissed yet. But..."

Logan slapped his arm. "You haven't _kissed_ him yet?"

"No..."

"If you don't kiss him tonight, I'm going to put laxatives in your breakfast!"

"Eew! You wouldn't do that!"

"I would! That boy _loves_ you! He's been patiently waiting for you to kiss him and you just admitted you're falling in love with him so just do it already!"

"I can't now! Now I'll feel like I'm just doing it because you told me to!" Kendall said a little too loudly.

"Do you _want_ to kiss him?"

"Absolutely!"

"Then why haven't you!"

"I tried a couple times, but I either got too nervous or he seemed like he didn't want me too..."

"That's probably because he doesn't want to do it before you're ready. You're ready, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then show him. Go in for a big smooch. And I'm not kidding, I'm gonna ask him tomorrow morning before you even wake up, and if he says you didn't kiss him, I'm putting Dulcolax in your cereal."

"But..."

"Kiss him."

"But..."

"Kiss him!"

"Fine..."

"Good boy." Logan smiled. He really was glad how good things were between him and Kendall. All friendships had been mended. And new romances had been formed.

X

Later that night, after the girls had already gone to bed, the boys were sitting on the sofa watching a movie. Near the end, Carlos was looking tired and laid his head on Kendall's shoulder, letting his eyes close as his mouth opened wide in a yawn.

Logan saw, and knew this was his cue to leave. He stood, pulling James with him. "James, I think it's time for us to go to bed." He slightly gestured towards their friends.

James winked at him. "Yeah, I am pretty tired."

Kendall shook his head as he watched them go. Logan was leaving on purpose to give him the perfect chance to kiss Carlos. But he did _really_ want to kiss him, so he decided it really wasn't that big a deal.

"Carlos..." he quietly called to him.

Carlos lifted his head and rubbed his eyes. "Yeah, Kendall?"

Kendall looked at him, so cute in his pajamas. Placing a hand on his face, he turned Carlos's head to the side so he could kiss his cheek.

Carlos stared at him. A kiss? "Kendall..." he said as he searched Kendall's eyes.

Kendall saw how happy that one tiny peck on the cheek had made him. And he suddenly thought, _You know what? I'm not scared anymore. He deserves more than that._ So he sat forward again and pushed his lips against Carlos's.

He felt Carlos's lips moving against his, begging to be pried open. So he did, slipping his tongue through to finally get a taste of him. Suddenly he was being pulled down on top of him, fingers were in his hair, and tears were sliding into his hand which was still cupped over Carlos's cheek.

"Are you... crying?" Kendall asked, worried.

"Of course I'm crying." Carlos said with a smile. "Do you know how long I've waited for you do do that?"

"Well, you don't have to wait anymore. If you want me, Carlos, I am completely ready and willing to hand myself over to you." Kendall said without breaking eye contact.

"I love you, Kendall." Carlos said, and waited patiently for a response.

Kendall kissed him again, pausing once to declare "I love you too, Carlos."


End file.
